Put a Bullet in my Brain to Stop my Aching Heart...

"Pata pata pata PON!"

2008-04-08T15:26:27Z

I'm addicted to Patapon... found this out yesterday when I stopped working just play a level. Who knew eyeballs with legs who do different actions to drum beats would win my heart. They even help me get my mind off of Tiffany. "Don Dondon DonDon" "Pon Pon Pon...Pon Pon Pon... Pon Pon PonPon...Pon Pon PonPonPon...Pon Pon PonPonPon...Pon Pon Pata PonPonPon!" RAIN JU JU! ^_^!!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Court tomorrow. Last time I'm gonna see my lawyer. Bittersweet tomorrow. May need a black and mild...

Writer's Block: Lost & Found

2008-04-08T15:11:59Z

What have you lost that you wish you still had?

View 500 Answers

HA! I lost someone, isn't that what my whole journal is about?! I understand why I lost her the first time, even the second time, but the third time? That one is a head scratcher... What makes someone go from needing you more than life itself to making you feel like shit in a matter of weeks? Especially if you know you haven't changed one bit... Ah well, trial tomorrow. My potential dismissal tomorrow. A probably an email will be sent. This will change. They always do, no? I mean, we are all subject to time...

"Anger is a gift; Sadness a blessing"

2008-04-07T19:00:02Z

So here I am, less than 48 hours from my potential dismissal. My lawyer states the Prosecution may get two weeks, but who cares? Not I... I'm not going to trial. If I go to trial, people are going to look stupid, and their "star witness" is going to get locked. Now I'm just locked in this tug o war. I asked two females and one male whether I should, or I shouldn't. I got two "no" and one "yes". I'm crying at my desk from the frustration. I just want to shoot myself and be done with it. Will I be considered strong to stand up against her and show the courts she lied? Or do I just walk away and move on. Its so effin hard. Your flesh wants retribution, but your soul knows the future. It knows the pain won't go away and it knows you still love that person as if the relationship never went to shit. Maybe I should talk to her when this whole shit is done and try to understand why she lied with the intention of me going to prison. Then I'll be satisfied... Yeah right. Knowing her she is going to be proud and bull headed about it, like hurting me is her only purpose in life and she "did the right thing." I know her for that so I'm prepared for it. Oh well, thats what makes Tiffany and I so unique. She wanted to use me and get rid of me and now all she managed to do was get herself into some deep trouble. I hope she doesn't call this DA and show her face in court. That will be her undoing... by the same dragon we call the New York Judicial System.

"You look like money"

2008-04-06T05:22:14Z

Am I like in a good mood?... I dunno.

"Sure, call anytime.."

2008-04-04T19:51:09Z

My lawyer... mmmmmm. I want my lawyer something terrible. I spoke to her today... I remember her voice, but I don't remember what we were discussing. I just want her... That is all...

"Leviticus 19:28"

2008-04-04T15:06:33Z

Thats all I'm going to say about my love's tattoo. Those things attract demons. I swore I told her that. Ah well, Anyone in the mood for a transference of spirits? I found out the names of the ones who are on me, and I promised them a better host, yes I did...

Now back to the nature at hand:

I got my blazer! My chinese blazer. My suit for court is complete. About damn time! I'm gonna miss court though. I'm not gonna have another reason to dress up. Well, lets hope someone's dies. Then I can dress in all black. So those taco eatin no goods live for another day. Good for them... Well, I got nothing else to say. Its raining, bored out of my mind. Oh well... =D

"Niggas screw they face up at me, but, yo, on some real shit, they don't want beef..."

2008-04-03T13:41:11Z

FUCKIN UPS... Gave my package to those theivin niggas downstairs... OMG! I can't believe it. I'm like lost for words right now. I'm not mad at UPS though. They were doing their job. Can't hate. They delivered the package. I will knock the beans and rice out of one of those niggas downstairs. Yeah I'm racist. So the fuck what?! Calm down, Jared, calm down. I need that damn blazer for trial. I NEED that Blazer... Someone is gonna get they muthafuckin head bust, I can feel it in my knuckles...

"Pray Until Something Happens/Focus And Stay True"

2008-04-02T13:41:31Z

Okay, believe it or not, when I'm not sure about something I fast. Yeah I fast. Big shocker, huh? So I ate a HUGE breakfast, and I will only eat once every 24 hours. (I'm not on that Jesus level yet of 40 days straight in a desert) So next time I eat, is the next time I post. I have to make a decision. Why am I so excited about court? I know why: Its my last day with my lawyer... Who still hasn't called me. Why do chicks always have a nigga waiting?! Ms. Bartender and Ms. Stop and Shop... "you're my ladies"... Look at me, I'm babbling. Urgh...

April Fool's Day, and I don't feel a tad bit foolish...

2008-04-01T15:44:56Z

Okay, Its the first of the month (wake up, wake up , get up). I miss Tiffany. Then again, when do I not miss Tiffany? Something is different this time. I recognize her as a memory, nothing more. Crazy, am I "over" her? She would always says "get over it". (Yes, I have punched someone in the gut, not Tiffany, for telling me that. Don't tell me to get over shit. I'll get over things when I'm good and ready to get over them) 8 days until the dismissal of my case, but I'm not concerned about it. Got something heavier on my mind to deal with. That will be revealed after the 9th...Promise!

On another note... I'm addicted to that song "American Boy", no homo. I'm in love with the beat, again, no homo. I'm about to get me an English chick, so she can call me a "bloody wanker" when she's mad and I'll call her a "slore who is still tight they lost the war." =/ Couldn't think of a better come back. My dragon suit is almost complete! OD excited. I'm going to wear it on a special occasion. This diet I've started on a whim is much more difficult than I thought. Carbs are so filling... Ah, well. I have a will, and I made a way...

"Don't just kick the habit... Stomp that bitch out!"

2008-03-31T13:48:56Z

I smoked two black and milds last night... back to back. Thats when it hit me: These things don't make me choke or cough any more. Thats when I knew I had to stop.... So I stopped, cold turkey. Just like that. Well, I will smoke one more time, but that is for a specific reason. Now on to the other change: I've changed my diet drastically. I'm cutting out carbs and sugars for natural sugars. I might eat some meat, but just cooked meat. No spices or anything on it, baked. I'm in the house all by myself until Thursday. No wifey to come over this time *sigh*. Enough of this sobbin and sighing shit. Fuck Tiffany, I'm sendin her ass up north, fuck I care about her any more for, anyway. Yeah I said it... Tuck Fiffany... and I still love her.

On other news... I seen the bartender this weekend and she greeted me with "Sorry, sweetie, I'm out of Bailey's" ;_; I wanted to get up and leave right then and there. If its not that green label Jamiacan Rum, I don't mess with it. So I got 2 shots of petron, 2 Jack and cokes *sniff sniff* and needless to say "I thought I was cooooool". So I met this really cool Mexican dude fresh from Cali. He got my number and everything. (Come to find out later the reason he was so nice is because he was on E) So he, I, and the bartender are supposed to be chillin this weekend. (FYI: I'm not picking up when he calls. I'll see him at the bar on Sunday). Enough about the cool Mexican... That bartender, I want to wife her so bad. The only female to date that Tiffany doesn't come into my mind for a second when I'm around her... I'll see her next weekend. Might even rock the Dragon Blazer with the matching Vest...

"Girl, don't say nothin to that boy... He crazy!"

2008-03-29T14:44:37Z

Sane [seyn] n. - having or showing reason, sound judgment, or good sense
Insane [in-seyn] - very foolish; absurd

Funny how it never said "The opposite of sane". Why put those definitions up? Because I think that I might be sane after all. I mean, I do have certain urges, but they aren't that serious. Sometimes I pray to the Christian Goddess (They say you are supposed to have a personal relationship with God, so in turn, he is a "she" in my mind. The nuturing, all forgiving, and caring nature seems more feminine to me)and I ask her for understanding; her understanding. Thats the only way I get through this. Just asking her to allow me to see through her eyes which she has helped me with, for the most part. Going to a strip joint tonight, but the bartender from New Roc is going to be on my mind. I wonder if I'll see her this weekend. I hope so...

Damnit Tiffany! Why the fuck you had to pull this dumb shit?!

2008-03-28T23:33:33Z

My mother is driving me fuckin nuts. I'm in a fuckin rage, and I have to sit here, pursed lip, for the next hour and 40 minutes. I can't even go down to the city because of this lying ass bitch... I swear to God on High, I can't wait until the 9th when this shit is over. Calm down, Jared. Just calm down... Think of the good times. Remember the last time you and her had rotis. Do you remember the last thing she said to you the last time she saw you before this bullshit. She said "I had fun" and gave me a big hug. I'm OD mad, at least I look good. This King Koopa jacket is fly... She would've liked it. No she wouldn't have, but she would've said I looked cute. Damnit I miss her... I could just vent to her and now I have to sit here, grit my teeth and bear it. FUCK! Yeah, she is a lying, manipulating, stuck up bitch who is about to go to jail, but she was MY lying manipulating, stuck up bitch who is about to go to jail... *sigh*

"I'm not really religious"

2008-03-28T21:04:29Z

"You think she slept with someone else yet?"
"You have..."
"I didn't ask that"
"Okay, fine. Yeah man, I know it. You can feel it"
"Yeah I can. The bitch tried to lock me up after I took care of her ass for 4 months and she's running around fuckin other niggas."
"Hurts, don't it?"
"You can't even imagine."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"What can I do? Whats done is done"
"Oh no, you have that look in your eye. I thought you said you can't sleep with people you don't love"
"One thing I've learned from her: Apparently, you can say one thing and do another."
"Don't you dare call that chick from that other night! You know she's getting attached."
"Try and stop me..."
"You know she's gonna cut you up if she finds out you're playing her"
"I'm a sadomasochist... It'll make things more fun for me"

"Protect me Devil, I think the Lord is trying to kill me"

2008-03-28T13:25:48Z

Its Friday. Feeling the same since Tuesday. Well, at least I'm a manager now. I'm once again everyone's support system. All in all I spent about $300 on people this past week, and that was unintended. I need new friends...well Maurice can stay, Greg too, and Mark, and of course Jonathan. But thats about it. Juan is having a baby with his Tiffany, I want one with mine now. No I don't, I'd be damned if one of my kids have her mother as their grandmother. My mind is all screwed up, scrambled eggs. Urgh. I'm going to go get an apple. Yeah, I'm on my new all fruit diet, like my ancestors. I'm going to check these call backs and make sure they are in order for the big boss... On a totally unrelated note: You know something is wrong when you're sitting next to Jim Jones at a bar, and a girl approaches you before she says anything to him. Meh, I was dressed better than him. Lets be serious, my dude. You made $300,000 off of your last album, as opposed to my weekly check coming up to $800, if I'm lucky. Why am I dressed better than you? Tsk Tsk, Poor Jimmy. Freaky was cooler than you, at least he complimented my blazer. I was in love with your first album, by the way...

Writer's Block: Neurotic Behavior

2008-03-27T17:49:12Z

What is the one thing you're most neurotic about?

View 500 Answers

I'm neurotic about females who are close to me. I worry about their well being when I'm not around them. Well, when a close female friends blames their rape on absence, you might become the same way...

If I don't go through with it, will she respect me?

2008-03-27T17:28:24Z

"'...My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. They have not hurt me, because I was found innocent in his sight. Nor have I ever done any wrong before you, O king.'"

The king was overjoyed and gave orders to lift Daniel out of the den. And when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God.

At the king's command, the men who had falsely accused Daniel were brought in and thrown into the lions' den, along with their wives and children. And before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones." - Daniel 6:22-24

...I wanted to start this one off with that. She's been twenty for two days now, is it hard to keep shut at this time? Yes it is, it feels like holding back a sneeze. I'm so close to this whole thing being over with, I can't mess up now. Well, I stopped worrying about it after I read that disposition... I don't get it, not one bit. Now, I'm forced in this "damned if I do, damned if I don't" position. Why does she always do this to me? Tears well up into my eyes when I think about this whole thing and what is going to happen in the near future. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I just want her to kiss my sorrows and my confusion away, like she was always able to. This "War of the Roses" bullshit has to stop. It will stop. Even if it means the death of me... Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to poke myself with a pin until I start crying...

"Today may be one of the most important days of your life. To me, its just Tuesday..."

2008-03-25T00:01:51Z

Just another INSIGNIFICANT, POINTLESS, UNIMPORTANT Tuesday. "Wow, Jared, you're pathetic." I know, but eh. What am I doing today? Same thing I do every Tuesday. Work, work, work some more. Cut myself off from the world I did. All I have is a dream and a job to fund it. What is that dream? In the words of that bitch ass nigga Ronnie, "I'm not telling you" But it will be revealed in due time. For now, we plan and we work. Ms. Bartender and Ms. Stop and Shop are the closest things I have to girlfriends. *sigh* Ah well, Black and a cool glass of Bailey's on the rocks should do the trick. Yes, my dear, a toast, wishing you many more...

"So you've had a bad day..."

2008-03-24T18:20:17Z

Today is terrible. I got a promotion on Friday. Go me. On the other hand, it includes longer hours and more work. Now who ever said "The higher you go up, the less work you have to do" deserves to be shot in the face...twice. Worst of all, all the work I did friday wasn't saved correctly, which means I have to do monstrous amounts of overtime just to get back on the level. Being in charge of something is hard work... Very hard work. It just doesn't stop. I didn't even take lunch today. All I've been doing is routing these messages....
I met this girl that took my breathe away, for so long I can't say a word when I'm around her. She's a bartender too. A social butterfly she is, while I'm that moth in the corner, trying to get her attention by fluttering my dull wings. Urgh! *smacks self on forhead* I can't even hold a conversation for two minutes with her. But as she said it, "I would love to see you again next weekend". You hear that? She'd love to see me. ^_^. I gotta talk this time. I have to. Do or die, Jared. Do or die...

"...And I wish I were back home in dear, old Dublin..."

2008-03-17T11:02:08Z

St. Patty's Day!!! and yes I'm greened out today... to the sneakers on my feet!!! I kinda got caught crankin dat spiderman in the break room. Sorry, work be boring sometimes. I feel good in the mornings as opposed to the nights where it feels like I'd rather be dead. So I'm bumping music at my desk. I may have my headphones on, but the person in the next cubicle can hear what I'm playin. XD On the report of my heart: I miss her like I don't know. I don't know why... but with every second comes a thought of her. Its okay, this will all be over soon enough. I seen this red (yeah, a part of me was aghast too) vest I'm in love with. I saw some shoes that go with it. Now, my only thing is, I'm thinking about wearing a chinese blazer that matches perfect with it. I'll see how it works out. I miss talking to my lawyer, and she, along with all the women in my life, is just TOO DAMN BUSY! I'm about to tell her other clients to get another lawyer... D-bo's in town today. Wonder what the agenda is for tonight.

The Death of Angela (confirmed), the Birth of Eloise (?)

2008-03-14T23:11:13Z

Angela's dead. My first car, gone as quick as she came. Everyone was like "She was a gas guzzler anyway", but to me she was more than that. She was a symbol of my independence; my passage into manhood. She was the physical proof that I never needed Tiffany, or any female for that matter. I couldn't get her in one year that Tiffany was here but I got her in the 4 months she wasn't. So her passing comes hard on me. That alternator is done, and with it goes the starter. Not economically sound to invest so much money into her. So I must depart with her. *tear*, but when a door is closed, She opens a window, no? Yeah, I found my a new baby who took my breath away. Black with the black rag, Black leather interior: My Eloise. She will be my new baby. If only I can get her before someone else does.

Mind-Numbingly painful

2008-03-11T14:50:53Z

Heavy sigh, hand in hand with heavy thoughts. Second time I'm missing her birthday. I don't deserve this, I promise you I don't. Not this time... My caddy's dying and I can't save her. I shed tears about that. The world is crushing me and I feel like I'm not going to make it this time. My heart hurts. I just want to die...

"You have to understand, Jared. This is like war"

2008-03-11T04:42:26Z

"She is the enemy" Can I really view her like that? A girl who I still remember the softness of her touch. A girl who I've been intimate with? I don't know. I can't see her that way. I'm angry with this situation, but with her? Nah... I can't be. Something in my heart. I still love her. I don't know why, I'll never know why. But for now, I remain silent, and write my poetry. Revenge is a drive I no longer have, for it amounds to nothing but more pain. The tears flow down my cheeks, because the pain is still very real. The betrayal is real. Sometimes I just don't feel like going forward, but I must. However, nothing can stop me from looking back every once in a while and wonder...

"I saw her myspace. It is private. She's not that cute"

2008-03-07T16:01:13Z

A conversation with myself:

"You're a clown..."

"What? How else was I going to keep her on the phone?"

"'Well you know... I was wondering... Just in case...' What the hell was that?!"

"A weak ass attempt to keep her on the phone. What did you want me to say? 'I want to marry you'?"

"Boy, shut your dumb ass up. Its Friday. After work, go pick yourself up a drink and a black and mild, and forget about all this bull for few. Not to mention, that girl from Stop and Shop"

"Yeah, you're right. She sends me like ONE text a day though. Plus, I don't think all is lost with... Well, you know who. I mean, everytime she sees me I'm fresh..."

"...And she doesn't notice. She's a grown ass woman. She couldn't care less about what you got on. Step your game, mature a couple years, THEN try again"

"But I show concern and the fact that I care about her"

"Thats great. I'm going to enjoy when you crash and burn... AGAIN!!! HA HA HA!"

"Man, EF you, okay?"

"I know why you mad. Truth hurts, don't it?"

Love is a virus, and its the deadliest strain...

2008-03-06T15:48:50Z

I'm not exactly sure how I feel. Well, at least I look much better than last year, should've bought glasses a long time ago. So I've run a field test and the results are in: the vest stays. Yes, I'm going shopping for button up vests. Finally, I have a style. Evident when a random walker by is like "Wow, he looks nice. I'm going to try that"... I must've been losing weight I can fit a 2X with no problem. Those walk and talks with Maurice been paying off. Sadly though, I won't be getting the job I applied for. It was giving to a white man... Oh well, I'm going to try acting. I'm going to get my head shots done. Maybe even get something going on. Ah well, I hope the girl from Stop and Shop is willing to spend time with me this weekend. I wanna take her to the buffet, so I can stuff my face like the porker I am. XD Enough of my babbling. I'm going to drink some water and looking in the paper for auditions...

"I'll be out of comission for the rest of the day"

2008-03-03T22:05:22Z

I heard her vulnerability... Wow. I heard my lawyer's vulnerability... Its like she was trying to remain professional, but it wasn't working too right, and the only way I've been known to comfort people is to give them a big hug and tell them I'm always there. Over a phone, I suck with comforting people. So I kinda just ran. But I did send her an email, not out of my feelings for her but out of common human concern, letting her know that we can discuss me and my issues tomorrow. I think she needs to just go home and take a warm bath. Going from a funeral to an office to take care of my bullshit... Uber Kudos for that. I would've told me to go fuck myself.